Thursday, August 25, 2011

TRUTH VS. LIES

I’ve been lied to so many times. My “lie-dar” has become very efficient in detecting the biggest deceptions to the most trivial of fibs, from across the table or across the miles. Whenever I feel that familiar pain from the sharp arrow of a lie that punctures my heart the moment it is said, my capacity to forgive is tested again. It hurts, yes, but the upside is I have become more understanding AND less tolerant. If you love someone enough, the inevitable arguments, long cold wars, or any other hardship that comes with a confrontation is all worth it if it releases you both from the manacles of deceit. I even had to say “goodbye” thrice, letting go of any future “hellos” again, because 'twas all either too bad or for the best. Sometimes I’d scold myself, “Why didn’t I just leave it?” as if a bond webbed with lies is still worth investing emotionally in, even if in the long run we may both get strangulated by the messy tangles. I’d be consoled by the fact that we all have a moral and social responsibility to look out for ourselves and each other. I love me, so I will only allow myself to be in a relationship and in friendships free from prevarications and pretensions. I love you, so I’m doing you a favor by being one less person you have to lie to. I won’t just sit around and watch you sow stuff I don’t want you reaping if I could give you something to think about or, at the very least, get you to THINK at all.

It’s very hard for me to talk, and write, about lying because I am confronted with my own lies as well. As trustworthy as I have become because of having experienced all sorts of pain from being lied to, the truth that EVERYBODY LIES remains and “everybody” includes me. If I deny that even for just one second, the consequence is far greater than if I lose my flair for words; I will lose my credibility as an aspiring writer and that’s one thing I can’t afford to happen. Whenever I think about all the lies that I’ve said for whatever reasons I had, it hurts me more than when I was lied to because I know it’s my bad. My own faults make it easier for me to forgive other people. Starting over, bringing back lost trust, and trying to “restore” things the way they were (FYI: I DIDN'T like the way things were), is another writing idea that could probably be twice as long as this (I’m not even halfway yet) so let’s not get into that. Where was I?

Lies. If lying is so bad, why do we still do it? Reasons aplenty, of course; that, we’ll never run out of. I used to lie whenever I wanted to drop a particular topic (I’m not in the mood, confidentiality issues, PMS, etc.) or dismiss a person (Etc., especially someone I don’t trust). How can we avoid doing it? I can’t tell. Imposing your standards and beliefs on others can only get you near their ego gates. I hate it when other people do that to me because the fact that we have our own reasons for lying means that we have our own truths as well, and we’ll stick to them no matter what. The truth that I hold on to is that I’m a good person capable of NOT lying. When I remember all the lies I’ve said in the past, it makes me feel bad enough to avoid doing it again, one situation at a time. Being in a spiritual journey is a huge help too. I can say I have become more conscientious because lying now is harder than it used to be. It’s either I make it crystal clear that I don’t want to talk about something, or I don’t talk at all. I hope everyone will consider embarking on this kind of journey, especially those who lie FOR SYMPATHY, TO HAVE A GOOD IMAGE, or FOR ACCEPTANCE because it’s just plain selfish. I’m focusing my energies on toughening up so I won’t ever be that weak.

Claiming to be someone you’re not, or twisting stories to make others believe that you are the hero or the victim of your story is something that you have to keep up. One wrong word and you’re exposed, but it’s always better if that’s the case. How pathetic is it to end up lying to your very own self? You should be able to love yourself enough to be comfortable with who you are, to admit your mistakes and be accountable for them, instead of being compelled to lie every single day. What for? Isn’t it more wonderful to be accepted for who you REALLY are rather than the person you’re not but claim to be? Is it not delighting to be loved in spite of your past and your flaws? The task for you at hand is too simple to explain: love and accept yourself first. In time, everybody else will and there will be no need for cover-ups and schemes. There will be no need to lie.

Lying is a disease. We’re all sick with it and SICK OF IT. Preaching or writing about it can only do so much. I can suffer from the pains of being lied to for an eternity or choose to move on from others’ lies and my own, but the sad reality is this: I will lie and I will be lied to again- behind my back or face to face. This planet already has countless problems and the solution to half of it is if we start with ourselves. Being as bold and honest as I am in writing about my own faults (that I’m not proud of) while disregarding another liar’s honest judgment of me just made lying a lot harder than it already is - my life easier at that. I am now obliged to write only of “my truth”; nothing more, nothing less.

I constantly pray for all the people I have lied to and hurt. I’m truly sorry and I hope they find it in their hearts to forgive me. I pray for those who have lied to me and hurt me as well. I am extending to them the same grace the Lord has given me for every lie I’ve committed. I pray for those who continue to deceive other people and hope they stop before it’s too late. I pray, most especially, for those who are being lied to today without their knowledge. May God give them the strength they need to handle the truth if and when it is made known to them.  With all of life’s most recent “surprises” that came one after the other in rapid succession, I’m so amazed at how I’m pulling through. I won’t ever trade being in the know for the less dramatic, but temporary, “blissful” ignorance. All the bad things in the world can never outshine God’s goodness. I may be hurting, but I still feel so blessed.

I’ve been lied to and I’ve lied too. Living in truth is so liberating. I highly recommend it.


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Saturday, August 20, 2011

JANUARY-APRIL 2011

The holiday season is officially over and I’m amazed to a certain extent that i did not have a single bout of nostalgia. Even in exhaustion, i feel so refreshed. There is something about that first deep breath of the cool 2011 winter air as i stepped outside the door this morning. Though the breeze smelled like it always does, the oxygen i inhaled filled my lungs with something more- HOPE.
I don't remember a time when i was THIS happy. The occasional sadness brought about by life's imperfections comes and goes but unlike before, it does not linger and serves only as a reminder that a perfect life ain't fun. Being in love has plenty of benefits. I highly recommend it.
In my 26 years of existence, the only major major mistake I regret is getting this face book profile "upgrade". It's not life threatening. It's just not working for me.
Hate is a heavy word but that’s just how I feel about my "upgraded" FB profile. Since it can't be undone, I'm just gonna let facebook be. I'll be over this in no time. I have to be. There’s poverty, recession, human rights violations and AIDS. There is war in other countries. Being so worked up over a minor change can't be MY contribution to society.
I have lost a lot because of my anger. This is as far as I’d let her hurt me. The time has come for me to crush the bitch by loving her again for the friend that she WAS because that is how I am. I have the capacity to love in spite of. I will NOT lose ME.
Deal with the bad stuff head on. If you leave it hanging around in midair, it will cloud your vision when you look up to God.
When in pain, pray hard. If you don't feel better after, pray harder.
FORGIVENESS is given not because you DON'T have a choice but because you DO and not because THE ONE who hurt you deserves it but because YOU deserve a life free of negativity and hate. I now give what was not asked of me because I CAN. Here you go Missy: YOU ARE FORGIVEN. You can either take or leave my last act of love for yah but it's yours and I’m not taking it back.
I'm on my way back to happy. No more detours this time. There are more important matters to attend to.
We tell others to be themselves when we don't know who we really are. We join different religions to have a closer relationship with God but continue with our misdeeds that lead us farther away from Him. We claim to be searching for love but when we finally have it, we let it go. If the Lord is not as powerful as we know Him to be, He must be having some serious divine migraine.
Pessimism will get you nowhere near your dreams.
The silence amidst all the noise is the voice of the Lord.
If you try to be more sensitive, you don’t need a sixth sense. You will SEE dead people every day. Lead them to the light with a smile and remind them that unlike the physical one, spiritual and emotional deaths are reversible.
Giving up your own dream to give way for someone else’s does not gauge how much you love him. It will only tell you that you don’t want it as badly as you think you do.
If you can't find a reason to live anymore, it means you didn't try.
The reason why some people wait in vain is because they want the wrong things
It is very much possible for two people from different walks of faith to have a harmonious relationship without avoiding the topic. When you talk about God, you should only feel love and nothing else.
Love is an infallible antidote for pain.
If we become more concerned of what we do to others rather than what others do to us and want for each other what we would want for ourselves, having world peace won’t be a movie joke anymore. It can be a possibility.
Telling other people they are wrong gives them the right to tell you that you are wrong.
One important lesson I’ve learned is that letting go of the pain of losing someone is not the same as forgetting him and who he was for you. If you hold on to that pain only to remember, you will lose yourself in that loss.
Who thought that a 16 hour shift at one of the busiest units in THE best hospital in the Philippines is a blessing on Valentine’s Day? That would be ME, two years ago.
Half of life's endless possibilities will not be in our favor so we have no choice but to suck it up and turn things around for us. Prozac can only give us our money's worth.
Making a living is not the same as making a life.
Tough people acknowledge their weaknesses, deal with life's shit and move on.
The one thing that scares me most is losing the ability to feel. There is nothing appealing about apathy even in the midst of inescapable misery and total fear.
The thing that makes you happy and gets you closer to God is your calling, your purpose.
It is easier to deal with confused people. You can just grab them by their tails and give them a piece of your brain. Skeptics are the bigger challenge. The only way you can get to them is when you walk your talk.
The word LIBERATED isn't the synonym of PROMISCUOUS. All you need is a dictionary to understand the difference.
The best defense is SILENCE. The greatest weapon is LOVE.
Unrequited love, trust, and respect gives immeasurable pain. If you can't give someone what he deserves, stay out of his life.
If you look at someone with love, all you will see is perfection.
The TRUTH is what you choose to believe.
Darating din ang panahon na sa sobrang pagod, ang English-sera ay magtaTagalog
Kung nasabi ko man na mas mahal kita kaysa minahal ko siya, yun lamang ay sa dahilang hindi ko na siya naaalala
Hindi baleng hindi masyadong maganda, huwag lamang maging mapanlait sa iba
Huwag mo nang isipin pa kung ano ang ginawa sayo. Ang isipin mo nalang ay kung ano ang gagawin mo
Minsan naitanong ko sa aking sarili, "Paano kaya ang buhay ko kung di kita nakilala?
Tapos naisip ko wala naman masyadong pinagkaiba. Mas masaya lang shempre na kasama kita
The SFC speaker talked about POOR people and described them as those who live apart from God. The first person who came to mind was the billionaire who created Facebook and having a God in my life enabled me to feel nothing but utmost respect for his atheistic conviction. I think saying that you are "better off" spiritually for believing in a Higher Power tells otherwise. God is Love.
Bago mo sabihing magulo ang buhay ko, linisan mo muna ang kwarto mo
The best and the worst thing about all of us is that we're not perfect. Somebody's got to love us for the mess that we are.
When I encounter trials, I don't put God's love into question for He is not punishing me but simply letting me suffer the consequences of my actions. In fact, I am so secure of His unconditional, unchanging and undying love that sometimes, I take Him for granted. Remember Him always for He never forgets you even if you forget Him.
Adults long to be kids again so they won't be expected to act like grown-ups. Kids on the other hand, want to be adults so they can finally be respected and seen as invaluable members of the society. I want to be IN LOVE so I can be reasonably stupid, thus a kid and an adult at the same time.
FAITH is not the candle that burns out when the strong winds come. It is the lamp that lights our path as we find our way out of the darkness.
I'd feel more blessed listening to a humble sinner than a self-proclaimed righteous person.
All men are created equal. The moment you think you are above anyone, you are putting yourself a level down from where God put you.
The Lord reveals Himself to us in different ways. Our individual understanding of Him comes from these unique faith experiences. Let us establish a deeper and more personal relationship with Him so we may feel fully and beyond His love, His greatness and His undeniable existence.
The act of praying is not only humbling for it shows our acknowledgment of and faith in a Higher Power who does not need to manifest Himself in supernatural ways. It is also a means of self-reflection for it is in our conversations with Him that we confront ourselves with the truth behind our thoughts and actions. Who lies when they pray anyway? It's not Him you're kidding.
Kuwaiti winter: Love it or hate it but come july and august, you will surely miss it.
I want to be a surfer in the sea of life. The people I love can either watch me paddling from the shore with their binoculars or join me in catching God's big waves for tube rides.
Having the Lord in our lives is always to our advantage. Even if you give Him nothing, He will still give you everything. He has blessed me abundantly all my life. It's high time I give something back. Lord, I give you my life. Use it to Your advantage.
A painful reality: you measure a girl’s worth to a guy by the things that he does for the love of her. You cannot love someone by meeting all her expectations and loving her exactly the way she prefers to be loved. You love her by doing the right thing in every situation. You can risk breaking her heart with the truth, but you can't afford to lose her trust with a lie.
Rather than wishing for an emotional coma when you're hurting, indulge in a spiritual work-out.
You cannot let other people tell you who you are. They may be right but they are not you.
Trust the Lord with your life. He was The One who gave it to you in the first place.
May mga bagay na naiintindihan mo naman pero nasasaktan ka parin
kasi ayaw mong magalit. Kasi tapos na. Kasi wala ka nang magagawa.
I'd like to disprove the claim that laughter is the best medicine. When you get to laugh on a bad day, that's just about it. Praying works better, at least for me, that merely watching someone while in a conversation with the Lord gives immeasurable relief. I'd then do the same and the power of that simple act would work through me unlike any other diversional activity. After that, I get to laugh again.
Remembering the life and death of Jesus at this time of the year reiterates a lesson on sacrifice and forgiveness. He taught me that as grand as the plans that we have for ourselves, we have to take part in something bigger. When we finally realize that not everything is about us, it will be easier to make sacrifices. It will then be easier to forgive and believe that we can be forgiven.
May we all rise up from our spiritual deaths to fully enjoy the greatness and goodness of God.
I am praying for a renewed faith in human love through my faith in Him.
Loving without owning is often less painful than hurting while owned.
Love with your eyes open so that you can SEE.
There are dreams that you don't want to end but when the inevitable ring from the alarm clock that you have set for yourself wakes you up from your subconscious fantasies, you have no choice but to get up and deal with reality. It's not just work you have. You have a life to live.
If you choose love, you choose God. If you choose hate, you choose you. To love or to hate is always a no-brainer. Just pick one and go. I wanna be able to choose love at all times so that whatever the consequences of loving are, Somebody's got my back. Hating is not fun. I don't want to be alone by myself.
Learning doesn't stop until death. The world is a huge classroom where students become teachers and adults can gain insight from a child's innocence. I'm happy where I'm sitting right now but if I would be given a chance to choose two seatmates for the next class, I'd like to be sandwiched between the Dalai Lama and a very drunk John Mayer.
There is no easy way to break someone's heart. Just get right down to it, be accountable for your actions and suffer the consequences.
Add me on Facebook- Hencel Lauren   =)
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OCTOBER-DECEMBER 2010

Don’t try to be a good person. BE ONE.
I think the reason why most relationships fail is because along the way they forget what they used to be- FRIENDS.
The one thing in life that you will never achieve is perfection. Don’t waste your time trying.
Do not underestimate the power of prayer. A one minute conversation with Him can save you from a lifetime of regrets.
Don’t be in a relationship with someone you cannot love more than the one before him.
The reason why God's divine interventions seem timely is because He never leaves.
It’s called "rising above" because doing the right thing is often more difficult than doing otherwise
In the most hurtful of circumstances, you must look at the brighter side of things to save yourself from the harms sudden waves of insanity might cause you.
Human love is God's gift. Feel it, enjoy it and believe in it.
In the pit where i came from where light is a seeming impossibility, your love shone a more blinding one. Darkness will not hover my heart again.
Success won't come if you give in to failures but there are some things that you have to accept to be not for you in this life time. I’ve made the decision to give up on frying. Charred fish is not good for the health.
All of us have been in a "been there, done that, didn't work, now I know, I'll do better next time" situation but when we are confronted by the same issues again, we still make the SAME mistakes. Reality bites: going through hell and back once or twice is not enough for anyone to learn the right tactics.
You should only confront someone out of love. When you do so, be prepared to be there for that person no matter what because otherwise, you have merely passed on a judgment.
Kung nakasamaan mo ng loob ang isang minamahal, huwag kang manumbat dahil hindi lang ikaw ang nagbigay at hindi lang rin ikaw ang nasasaktan.
As humans, we were given the gifts of intellect and freewill. I used mine to explore the existence of a Higher Power and my doubts rendered me absolutely NOTHING like what I am without Him. Now that my faith is stronger than ever, I am whole and this certain feeling of peace amidst the most imperfect of situations is felt whenever I close my eyes to pray.
God is good all the time. But what if He's not? When bad things happen to us, we feel like He has forsaken us. The thing is, our idea of what is "good" at a given time and situation just doesn't match His sometimes. God is good all the time, PERIOD. And yeah, patience is a virtue.
Churches are spiritual hospitals where we are nourished with His words and healed with His love .The only people who don't feel better when they leave are those who didn't listen and decide to follow His treatment plan.
Love, trust and respect make up the foundation of any human bond. At the point of exhaustion when you've affirmed that you cannot operate on love alone, ask yourself what reason is left to hold on to a person you don't trust and respect anymore. As painful as it is to say, the one word answer to that is: NOTHING.
I’ve come to realize that it’s not in knowing that we learn and that we cannot know, learn or teach what and how to feel. You cannot say you’ve grown up with age or you’ve succeeded when you’re rich. You cannot be happy when you’re insecure and grateful if you have regrets. You have not loved if you did not suffer, at least to some extent.
People with societal roles are often compelled to keep up with the social construct of how a squeaky clean image should be. Life is already hard. Being more concerned about how you live than what other people think makes everything easier. Righteousness and honest living are the keys to an uncomplicated life.
There are people who are great together, they thought they'd make the perfect couple. It didn't occur to them that maybe the reason they are so is because they are exactly what they're meant to be- JUST friends.
I feel that nursing is not for me. Every shift is like spending another night with a husband whom I’ve fallen out of love with. But how can I get a divorce from the profession that allowed me to see life begin and end and gave me the opportunity to be there for strangers at their highest highs and lowest lows? Maybe it's just a feeling. What do I know? I'm not even married.
Being an insecurity punch bag can give you some ego boost. You are made to feel SPECIAL in the most direct but inconvenient way.
I have so much to be grateful for: my estranged husband named Nursing, the achy feeling of nostalgia, the residual pain from some unfortunate misunderstanding, the foreign currency to Philippine peso exchange rate which is often not in our favor, and the flu. Bring it on Satan! I’m going to celebrate Thanksgiving still. The Lord is preparing me for better things and I'm thanking Him in advance.
The saddest people in the world are those who pretend to be happy.
To start 2011 right, you must end 2010 right. The first in my painfully long list of must-do's is one hell of a task: TO FORGIVE. Waiting for an apology is doubly frustrating. Other than the fact that it may never come, waiting in itself is my least favorite activity.
As of tonight I am 30% happy, 30% sad and 40% undecided if I should be happy or sad. Good thing I'm a nurse with a permed smile on my lips. Looking at the mirror eases my own indecision.
Married life is like the two people in it: imperfect. Love the other as you'd want to be loved and for everything else, there's always God. Your forever will start when you make the decision to spend the rest of your lives together.
Talking to resolve differences and misunderstandings can do more than fix the argument. During the process, we grow as individuals and what we can learn from each other is as much as what we can learn about ourselves.
As lovers, be each other's best friend. Do not be afraid to hurt each other with the truth because the glue that is love and the Higher Power that is God as the center of your relationship will carry you through every argument and misunderstanding.
If you step out of the comfort of your building into the raging sandstorm and think of every grain of sand that hits your face as an experience that gave you a considerable amount of sadness, would you go back in?
You can have a more substantial conversation with a moron than a liar's ego.
In our busy preparations to celebrate the birth of the greatest man who ever lived, let us not forget that the best way to show our gratefulness to the Lord for the life of Jesus is to live by his example even in the most difficult of situations.
I have only one wish for the coming year: MORE FUN, LESS DRAMA.
As much as I’d like to move forward without unwanted baggage and greet the New Year with the right kind of bang, I have made a decision to chill a bit and not rush the healing process. To the one who was proven no longer worthy of my love and trust, I still wish you well. Forgiveness will come but not this year.
It's been a year since I arrived here in Kuwait with a broken heart and an empty bank account but sometimes I still ask myself if I made the right decision especially when I left my country for the wrong reasons. Of course I did! How can I continue questioning His plans for me when my heart's all sutured up now? About the bank account, don't ask. I think I was not able to follow His instructions on that one.
Add me on facebook- Hencel Lauren   =)
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Sunday, August 14, 2011

1/2 + 1 = 1


I stare at my footprints before this space where I now sit in peace
The smell of pain and confusion lingers like a memory
But it doesn’t bother me like it used to
I’m okay now; I’m more than okay

I remember walking alone
Without one leg, one arm, one eye, and ½ of my only heart
What else could I have done?
I have a favor to return to The One who gave me my life

I pulled myself forward, one day at a time
Holding on to the little faith I have left in love
With one leg, one arm, one eye, and ½ of my only heart
I went on but can only go so far

At the peak of exhaustion, I stopped and looked back
Amazed at how I managed to go the distance
With only one leg, one arm, one eye, and ½ of my heart
Reality bit before I felt pleased. I am not whole; I am incomplete

“Should I go on?” I asked myself
As if the decision to never stop wasn’t made before this journey started
I felt a gentle pull on the other side of me that I cannot see
Urging me to continue moving forward

I trusted, obeyed, kept the faith, and carried on
Slowly, the other half of me that didn’t exist was revealed
The other leg, the other arm, the other eye, and the other half of my heart
I thought forever lost, now invisible no more

I struggled for a while, unused to this completeness
Who are You, wonderful in Your grace and holiness?
His voice was a silent roar, His power a soothing calm
“I am you, you are Me. You are ½ alone but together, We are One.”

Need I ask, doubt, or fear again? Of course not!
Is there anything to be more eternally grateful for than this wholeness?
Two legs, two arms, two eyes, and my heart the shape of a fist
He is me, I am Him, We are One. I am complete.

Date Started: September 15, 2010
Date Finished: August 12, 2011

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Thursday, August 11, 2011

Confessions of an Ex-Facebook Biatch

June 8, 2010


My mom is bothered by some of my Facebook wall posts. There are so many random thoughts in my head and it's often good when I limit myself to posting these, but it's different when you're really mad and there's no one in the room (or in Kuwait) with you. Thank God for this diary idea. At least I have another outlet for all the frustrations and disappointments that are too much to keep in. When writing is not enough, my feelings spill on my wall as shout outs. I am aware during the actual process of posting that getting into trouble because of this “slightly” irresponsible way of self-expression is possible, but I don't care. If I do, then the purpose of having a social networking site account with this wall concept is defeated. I’m writing this, feeling reasonable in my current state of bitchiness.

 I used to be so quiet when I was a kid. I was afraid I'd say something bad that my teachers and friends would hear and tell my mom. When I was a bit older, I tried to practice my skills on small talk so I'd have more acquaintances. When I got into high school, I became friendlier and more outgoing than when I was in elementary. After a while, I found out from my friends that some of my words and actions were taken differently and sometimes, negatively. I hated it whenever I got misinterpreted, especially when I said something in the utmost of good intentions. I've cried countless times because of rumors, backstabbing allegations, and mixed-up stories. It was then that I turned to the (supposedly) lesser evil - writing. I learned how to use humor and sugar coating tactics, and to artistically transform negative thoughts and feelings into insightful and logical sentences. It worked for me for a long time, but now I'm done. It's others’ turn to shut up.

 I get my mom. Reading your daughter's cussing posts on her wall with an average of seven per VERY BAD week minimum (I post at least thrice a day) makes you feel like you've failed at your most important job of being a mother. But seriously, if your “child” is 25 years old, what more could you still do? I stand by every word that I've typed and I hold myself accountable for whatever trouble my posts may cause. Chill mom. Your baby just got a little catty. And besides, it's just Facebook so don't freak. I'm not yet that effin' screwed.   







 
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Thursday, August 4, 2011

ONCE


May 23, 2010

 I watched the movie "Once" a few days ago. It's one of those movies that can tug hearts. If they were real life characters, you'd wish them well and hope they’d find their happiness in the lives that they've chosen. The songs were really good too. "Falling slowly" kept on playing in my head like the repeat button is being clicked every time it ends. It's now included in my life's soundtrack list.

 I can very much relate to the character of Glen Hansard. When he parted ways with his former love, music was his saving grace. It's what kept him going in life and made him dream bigger dreams. Music to him is writing to me. I don't know but every time I think about my ex, I have this sudden diarrhea of words. Good thing my laptop keyboard can't yell. In all the years we've been together, there's so much to write about like in music where the melodies that can be created are endless.

 Whenever I feel like I'm going to end up forty, single and unheard of, I'm gonna play that song and remind myself that there is this once heartbroken, fictitious character out there in London, who continues to pursue his dreams of becoming a recording artist.

 "Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time…"




View the movie's official trailer at this link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=726SFblz9Lk
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