Sunday, November 6, 2011

Hency’s 5 Simple Tips to Surviving a Break-up

Before my recent break-up with a “guy” I was with for (almost) ten months, I had to recover from the pains of a bitter separation with the “boy” I was in love with for (almost) ten years. Like a lot of people probably would, I thought moving on from Ex2 would be a breeze considering everything that I went through after Ex1, but it wasn’t as easy as I expected. It’s not that hard either. For one, I’m five years smarter, tougher, and more mature. Also, I have a pretty clear idea of why I’m here, what I aspire to become, and how I’d like my life to be. I guess I’m finally realizing my true worth as a person and unlike before, I don’t let other people determine that for me. I have learned to love myself first by not letting my love for another consume me.

I’ve gone through something so hurtful (twice) and I’d spare the rest of the planet from this kind of misery if I could, but I can’t. What I can do is be the hand that holds a brokenhearted in his/her reading. Having had "only" two break-ups does not make me an expert, but I’m sharing a few of the countless things I learned in the years that I’ve been dealing with this kind of drama anyway. Who knows? By number five, one of you could  be  "the" bad-ass of the Moving on and Letting go Industry.  

1)     As in any list, PUT GOD FIRST. Pain can do all sorts of things to you- from doing things that you may regret, to forgetting the best way to deal with it. Praying is not only communicating with God. It is also a means of introspection wherein you confront yourself with your own thoughts, feelings, and actions. It allows for an opportunity to work towards an unbiased conclusion as to how and why the separation happened. Slowly but surely, you will understand that God is and will always be in control. No matter what you’re going through and whatever else happens, you are not -and will never be- alone. You could lose a hundred lovers, but you won't lose Him.

2)     After a heartbreak, give your heart a break. Let your feelings die a natural death. If you bury them alive, they will inch their way up their graves and haunt you. I don’t know about other people, but settling for a “rebound person” will only give you more problems. You already have one. Deal with it first. I know of a person who came from one bitter break-up and ended up with five in one year. Give yourself ample time to heal before you jump into anything. When true love finally comes, it will be best if you are available on all aspects so you can have a stress-free relationship without the potential complications your cluttered history might cause. The same goes for drugs, alcohol, and other diversions that can “divert” you to darker places of “break-up darkness”. If you are currently in this kind of situation, take this: It’s better to lose someone else than to lose yourself. In fact, losing someone you’ve lost yourself into gives you a chance to find yourself again.

3)     Focus on moving forward, one day at a time. After you’ve extracted yourself from a relationship that is proven to be beyond repair, use your “alone time” wisely. Give yourself a chance to be angry and depressed for a short while, then switch off the “mope” button. Do not engage in activities that will pull you back into the pit- like going to places you used to frequent as a couple, listening to your theme song all night, or stalking him/her. Deal with change. Find something you love to do. Discover new things and be excited about what God has in store for you. Be productive. Spend time with your loved ones. Find a way to be genuinely happy by yourself, so that you won’t have to be dependent on other people for your own happiness.

4)     Learn how to love without "owning”. This ain’t easy, but it ain’t that hard either. Well, my literary hero P.C. didn’t only give me something to think about. He also made me realize that we have to recognize a way of loving freely, unconditionally, and without expectations. If you want to reach out to your ex for closure and/or reconciliation, look inside your heart first. What do you really want to happen? Do you want to move on for good, or do you just want things back to how they were? Remember that the relationship ended because of how things were. Don’t start playing with fire if you don’t want to be burned- again. Know that you don’t have to “own” someone to love them because in reality, you can’t own anyone. Stop being miserable, lift up your loneliness to God, and set the object of your affection free. Eventually, you’ll be free from the emotions you had for that person and you’ll be given what is due you- the love and the kind of relationship you’ve been waiting for all your life.

5)     Look back with a smile. If you lose something bad, would you feel sad?  The reason why you feel “bluer than blue” after a break-up is because you know that you’ve lost something good. Your relationship may not have worked out, but it’s not like it was a colossal waste of time. Never regret something that made you happy. Allow one good memory to ease the pain, then let go and look forward to making new ones. Be thankful for the time you spent with that person, for the things that you’ve learned, and for the love that you shared. Gratefulness is an awesome cure for bitterness and sadness. It is also a sign of maturity. When you are grateful regardless of the pain that you’re feeling, forgiving is easier, healing is hastened, and before you know it, your heart is as good as new. After all, every relationship that ended wrongly will lead you to the right one.

A good friend of mine once said that each break-up is different. The intensity of pain that you felt with each separation, and the speed of your “recovery” are not measures of how deeply you felt for each person you were with. Your state of being at the time of your break-up is a huge determinant on how well you’ll pull through, so work on that. It all depends on your general outlook on life, your attitude, your will to move on, and your faith. I must admit that the road to recovery wasn’t that smooth and I’ve had a few “lapses” (I call them my "bad break-up days") over the past months, but that’s okay. I’m okay. I figured that as long as you’re dead set on moving forward, you’ll manage to keep yourself on the track. Always believe that God had planned a wonderful love life for you. Wish your ex/exes well and you will be well. Eventually, all will be well and you’ll live happily ever after - with or without a lover. 


Nice said...

noted! hahaha i'll remember all these...

Anonymous said...

I knew already 1,2,3 and my favorite number 5.. I want to learn number 4. and I love the last sentence of the blog.

"Wish your ex/exes well and you will be well. Eventually, all will be well and you’ll live happily ever after - with or without a lover."

God bless you Sis Hencel

Anonymous said...

Excellent Sister! Now sip some jungle juice! ;b

hencel lauren said...

thanks y'all!

Anonymous said...

hello ate hencel..sobrang ganda ng mga sinabi mo.. nakakatulong talaga para maka move on.. after ko mabasa to gumaan na rin pakiramdam ko.. pa share ng sinabi mo sa no. 5 ah..salamat ate... pwede ka na gumawa ng book..hhehe.. -princess

hencel lauren said...

You're welcome Princess. Pray everyday and you'll be amazed at how well you'll pull through. =)

Anonymous said...

Very well said.. Know what, why don't you write an inspirational book? =) Your thoughts are inspiring.. Hoping that one day, you will be publishing your own.. I will be waiting for that to come... =) keep on writing.. You inspire a lot of people and touch their lives... =)

hencel lauren said...

Inshallah. Thanks very much. =)

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