Sunday, May 27, 2012

Why I Write

In the advent of modern technology, when we have our drawers and pockets filled with the latest gizmos and gadgets… nah. I don’t write like this.

These days, when there are so many other things that an indolent and unaffected person can do, reading books (even the good ones) has lost its appeal. Why? Because it’s boring. If you are a person who spends most of your “awake” time with your “love/life”, or Facebook, or window shopping, or chatting, or anything else that does not require a hardbound Paolo Coelho, ask yourself the title of the last book you read. Then, ask yourself when you read it. If you say college, I understand. Probably, after those four years of sleep deprivation for a variety of reasons except actually studying, you just didn’t have the time. There were other things you needed to do. And, after you’re done with those things, there are plenty more- like kids, then marriage… or vice versa. Have you even read the Bible? Before August 2011, I only know one verse- 1 John 15:12. It’s because we were asked to memorize it in Sunday school. My grandfather Asiong, who died with Alzheimer’s February of 2011, would’ve been so proud.

Yes, reading can be boring for some. But, do you know of an activity that is more boring by a mile than sitting somewhere with five kilos of paper? Yes (again), writing can suck the life out of you before you even type your first word. I could go without mentioning that awkward silence in your brain that can kill your cells, one at a time, when you have a “ (wannabe) writer’s block”. Try to remember the last write-up you did on something that is supposedly important. Then, ask yourself when you wrote it. If you say college, I understand. Before today, writing was just one of the many things that I can do- like burning food, cross-stitching horses, and my favorite… dealing with break-up drama. After all the blog posts, songs, and poems that I’ve written, my exes must be so proud of me for how I chose to fix what they broke. This is awesome therapy and I’ve gotten better since… yeah. I offer no apologies. Though without inhibitions, I’d like to think that I’ve written about my pain beautifully. I know no other way of dealing with it anyway. I don't drink, smoke, or gamble. I do not hook-up with strangers... or "friends", and I'd rather play dead than play with someone's heart just because someone toyed with mine.

Let’s get back to the dull part. If writing- among so many other things that an uber busy or disinterested person doesn’t have the time for- is so boring, then why do I put it upon myself to write? Why do I write and not care even when nobody would give a rat’s ass about my crap? Why can’t I just do something else… like everybody else? 

A person who was curious about my Scribbles visited my blog and told me that my writings about very personal matters are “very personal” and shouldn’t be made public because (drumroll) other people “will know” about them. Well, that’s why they’re there. Putting a band-aid over a wound for a long time might lead to infection. Why not leave it open to dry, then heal? Before you know it, the scab is gone and all you have is a keloid to remind you of that (once) painful cut. While looking at it, you might ask yourself, “Why did I have to go through all that?” What is it about getting hurt that makes any sense? If you ask me, my answer is simple. I don’t know, but I’m cool with it. Right now, I just want to make something beautiful out of every unfortunate thing that has ever happened to me.

So, to answer the question about why I put it upon myself to indulge in this very boring activity, I now cite my two reasons:                                                

Reason 1
...for myself. I write because I want to, love to, NEED to. I write because it doesn’t bore me; it saves me from boredom. I write because I CAN.

Reason 2
...for YOU, the one with the pharmacy of band-aids piled over that cut in her finger (before it turns into something “medical" like gangrene). If my stories of darkness can enlighten even just one person, then all the shit I’ve been through and the time it took for me to write about it were all worth it. I hope you’d feel the same way after reading any of my so-called “crap”. I make sure that the garbage I feed y’all is worth your time each time, because I owe you more than you could ever owe me for whatever’s in it. After all... 

...reading is boring. (wink)

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Tuesday, May 8, 2012

My Definition of "Forever"

If there is something that scares me more than marital domestication, it is permanence. I feel weird saying that today considering that for most of my life, change was what brought me the most amount of discomfort. Change derailed me, left me in a daze for long periods of time, and made my faith suffer to the point of distrust in God that it was for my sake. Change used to be “the” bitch. Now, I AM.

I don’t know. Maybe it’s because I've accepted that change is permanent. It may sound paradoxical if you put those two words together in a sentence like that but in reality, who cares? Things happen and you gotta deal with them, period. With all the things that happened to me from then, and with change happening every second of my now, I have no choice but to suck it up and get going. So far, I’m doing great. Or maybe, I’m going too far with liking change. I can’t stay stuck in any circumstance anymore. Something has to change for me every single time. I stick to my own ideas of fun as one of the keys to my personal happiness, of course, but these change too. It could be any kind of change, as long as it’s not nothing.

Maybe I get this “I’m up for anything” kind of attitude from having this faith that I can’t even begin to explain. The sense of security that I get from trusting God makes me feel that whatever happens, I’ll do just fine. This “trust” comes in handy especially with the nature of life being imperfect. It’s okay to not be okay today because tomorrow, a change is gonna come. You will be where you were planned by Him to be, and that “trust” that I’m talking about only gets stronger, with every experience more divine.

But what about in love? What about every girl’s dream to have someone to spend the rest of her life with? I’m not like “every girl”, I guess. I don’t mean to give anyone any reason to believe that I'm not an emotionally stable person because in the past, I was the only one who showed every inch of that kind of stability. I have come to believe that we all have more than one soul mate, and that we meet each of them at a certain point in our lives when our energies match. If you’ve fallen in love with someone who wanted the same kind of relationship that you did at the exact same moment in your lives, and you guys fell apart the minute you both started to “not like” what you had a little more than later, then you  -yes, YOU- know what I’m talking about. That’s what happened to me, err... more than once.

So, what is my definition of "forever" now that I’m a huge fan of change?

I’ll get back to you when I figure that out.

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Thursday, May 3, 2012

March – April 2012

There’s always a reason to be hopeful that a love to last a lifetime is just around the corner, waiting to happen.

In the end, it’s not about how much you were loved but how much love you’ve given.

Sometimes, we want to forget the truth to avoid remembering the lies.

Don’t expect from anyone what nobody can expect from you.

Learn from your mistakes and value your experiences no matter how painful they are. The things that happen to us are meant to help make us better- not bitter.

Only in darkness can we appreciate God’s gift of light.

Truth: Life can never be perfect because NOBODY is.

A bad person is someone who used to be good- then got confused. Telling the difference between good and evil is just one of humanity’s weaknesses. It is somewhere in the list next to love.

I absolutely dislike people who make others feel bad just so they could feel good about themselves. And the only reason I dislike them is because hate is a strong word.

Make your own decisions and be accountable for your actions. If you realize you were wrong, trust that you are capable of turning things around before the consequences of your choices hit you in the face, big time.

Don’t just be a part of something. Be Someone. Be YOU.

A good friend is someone who COMFORTS you when you realize you've done something wrong and tells you how to make things right. A great friend is someone who CONFRONTS you when you’re doing something wrong and stands by you as you make things right before it’s too late.

I'd rather be upset about being tired than tired of being upset.

Nothing comes from nothing.

Don't take things at face value. There's always more to what you can see on the surface.

Apologies are for people; Repentance is for the Lord. You are sincere only after you have taken that first step to leading a better life. Otherwise, apologies are just words, and repentance- a mere idea.

The next time you meet someone who seems so sure of himself, ask him this simple question: “Who are you?” You could get a pretty amusing answer.

If you're confused as to whether someone is a two-faced liar or just a selfish bitch, chances are she’s BOTH.

It’s hard to NOT want to hurt someone you hate. You gotta love God more so it'd be easier.

Very few people have the courage to follow their heart and walk the path less travelled because the road where everybody is seems so easy- thus, better. Having company is good, and it makes you feel that you were right to some level when you made your choice. But how great is it to be secure that wherever you go alone, you are NOT alone? In my decisions, victories, and mistakes- I am with God always. The life and death of a Jew taught me this: Live your faith and be willing to die for it. Jesus saved me in a different way. For that, I will always be grateful.

What you say about other people says more about you.

With arrogance comes stupidity. Why?
Because the space in the head where the brain should be is all ego.

When you think everything about your life is going wrong, YOU'RE WRONG. The only way to understand what's right is to experience otherwise. How you are today is just the beginning of all things wonderful for God's love does not falter or fail.

The one thing that can make a woman fall for a man is EFFORT.

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