Sunday, January 18, 2015

09/27/10


 
September 27, 2010

 
Needless to say, I am not perfect but I strive every day to be the friend that my friends deserve. I cannot speak for myself but I trust that the people I have chosen to be a part of my life appreciate my presence in their lives regardless of whether I’m giving them what, in their opinion, makes me worthy to be called a good friend. I may have been inadequate at times but my love for them makes up for it because it is the only thing I could offer that has an unlimited supply. I never run out of love. God fills me with it every day.

 
Through the years, I’ve been with so many people who have come and either stayed or were gone for good and looking back makes me realize that they've each become a piece of who I am and for that I am so grateful. If I had to live my life over and over, I would still choose the same people I spent time with. In every fight or argument that led to crying or years of painful recollection, there was still a lesson learned that led to stronger bonds with them and the new ones who knocked on my door to fill that empty space where another had left. It’s amazing how big our hearts are to accommodate everybody. When someone leaves, no one replaces that person. That place where he used to be is where your memories together stay for a lifetime. No one is forgotten.

 
Time heals all wounds, scars fade and the love that once was there, that unconditional positive regard, returns. 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
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The One



The One (noun): if given the choice of all the people in the world, he/she is the one you will always choose

I used to believe in the “soul mate theory”, the kind of bond that Disney glamorizes from the small to the big screens. Who didn’t? Needless to say, I’ve outgrown it like the rest of the more realistic humans. I’ve been disappointed, frustrated, betrayed, and a lot of other things. Disillusionment was painful, of course. From a scale of 1-10, I wouldn’t be exaggerating if I tell anyone I’ve had an 11. The first cut is the deepest, they say, but the ones that follow aren’t less heartbreaking. How you deal with a broken heart has more to do with your state of being that time than your perceived depth of feelings for the person. I don’t know about other people but when I’m in love, I’m in love. I don’t have a scale for that. And besides, it helps to think that I too, was not loved more or less than the one who came before or after me; I was loved differently. Or I was loved, period.

When I was in college, my instructor in Asian Civilization discussed another soul mate theory.  She said that if we are to consider the concept of reincarnation, we have more than one soul mate in a lifetime. A soul mate is someone you’ve had some sort of “connection” or close bond with in one of your past lives. Imagine how many friends and lovers you’ve had so far multiplied by a thousand if your soul's been recycled since before God told Noah to build the ark. That’s a lot of would-be exes if you’re the type who takes things literally. How many have you had so far? The one you’ve gotta be hoping to finally meet is your “twin flame”, your long lost half, the part of your soul that was separated from you after your first life. I thought, “This is ridiculous. I don’t feel incomplete in any way." But after I’ve experienced the intoxicating feeling of being in love, the way it filled me to my core with something gooey but pleasant, I finally became aware that there was indeed a void within me that's been filled. Your twin flame is the one person you will search for every time you come back for another chance and once you find him, you will never be apart again. You will be together… sit still… hold tight… brace yourself… FOREVER.

After college graduation, I remember watching The Oprah Winfrey Show and they were talking about the exact same thing. There was this woman who was sharing her love story that she wrote about in her memoir about how she met her husband, one of the most eligible bachelors before he married her. They’ve met several times before but did not feel attracted to each other until they were both single and ready on all aspects. What she said is what I still believe in up to this day. We don’t have one single soul mate. Whoever it is that gives off the same kind of energy that you do when your paths cross is your soul mate at that given time. When the time comes when your energies don’t match anymore, you’ll both find it hard to walk through life together. You drift apart slowly or separate abruptly, moving forward into opposite directions and someday, somehow, you’ll find your next match. If it lasts, well and good. If not, then it’s for the best.

When I see couples that are so much in love, and even those who aren’t all smiles at the moment but are trying their very best to make things work, I feel very happy for them. I imagine the happiness love gives, multiply it by two and wish it for every person on the planet. Our love stories vary in trials and triumphs but they are still what they are: stories of love. And love is, and will always be no matter what, a pleasant emotion to indulge in.

To the ones who have found “the one” for right now, I wish you all the best. As for me, I guess my soul mate is still out there, happily single, taking his time. Or maybe he’s pissed at his family and friends who are overly concerned about his lack of interest in having a girlfriend for now and won’t leave him alone. Or maybe he is bored to his bones with all the same questions random people ask about why he isn’t like everybody else who wants the same kinds of things and live the same kind of life. Or maybe, he’s a little annoyed with his Christian friends who tease him that he might be gay. Or maybe he is busy preparing himself for the greatest adventure he is yet to take- on his own. Or maybe, just maybe, he is out there strumming his guitar, with the words to our song waiting to be written by yours truly. Lots of maybe/s. Lots of possibilities.

To “the next one”, my “next soul mate”, hopefully my “twin flame” because break-ups are overwhelmingly exhausting and overrated:

I’ve been through a lot and I’ve got the scars to prove it, but there’s still this soft spot in my calloused heart that I will leave untouched just for you. In the meantime, I am so NOT interested.

MAKE ME.

Toodles!
 
 
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