Friday, February 27, 2015

My Gift

January 18, 2011


“Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation.”

Fifty five minutes into the movie, I got stuck when Julia Roberts as Liz Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love) narrated this line and had to replay it five times before I went on with it only because I wanted to finish it without going to work late. I found myself repeating it over and over again in between taking dental x-rays and developing them and each time I did, the truth in those words clung to every inch of my being. It’s not some kind of realization you get while going about your daily routine. It is something you can only say once you’re already out there, dealing with change one day at a time as you try to rebuild yourself from the ruins of the old you. Ruin is where I came from. Ruin is the reason why I’m here.

Every now and then, I marvel at how my life turned out to be since I decided to leave my country. For a year now, I've been confined to this nine-story building where I both work and live but so much has changed for me. It’s because it is only now that I am able to sort out the jumbled things in my head and the emotional spaghetti in my heart. I’m now able to see a lot of things clearly, some even beyond what I initially took them for and the way I think, live, and love has changed. This newfound sense of belongingness with myself, this inner peace even with the occasional chaos life tries to inject me with through things, situations and people makes me feel a hundred times tougher than I was before. I am being transformed into someone who does not easily get derailed by negativity. I’ve become more optimistic. I’m now capable of being grateful even in the midst of an ordeal and use the lessons I’ve learned to turn things around for me. My only motivation now is God and not thyself. I have learned that putting Him at the center of your life inspires you to live life the best way you know how and be a blessing to others with any chance you get.

All my life, I’ve heard so many people claim to be "lost" because they are not happy with who they are and how their lives are going. Once they "find" themselves after they've recognized and defeated their inner demons through a life overhaul nicknamed “change”, they become happy until the time comes when they feel lost again. I have decided to find God first within me and found that having Him IN me is what will keep me happy whatever my circumstances are. I will not lose myself to the world again. I have Him. He transformed me. I have made good use of ruin, my gift.

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THE Question

February 26, 2011

It was Kuwait’s Liberation Day yesterday (and the 25th Anniversary of the EDSA Revolution in the Philippines as well) so what better thing to do on a holiday than to watch a movie on my laptop? I clicked around my movie list and saw The Nanny Diaries and thought that maybe I'd watch it today so I can delete it already. So watch it I did and there's this scene in the movie that played in my head like that Eat, Pray, Love scene I had to rewind a few more times. Scarlett Johansson’s character asked the ever common but REALLY hard question: “Who is Annie Braddock?”

I couldn’t stop asking myself the same question throughout the movie and after. Who am I? Who am I really? Giving my personal information would be like taking an exam I've been reviewing for for 26 years, I’d be a nutcase or a case file if I’m not able to fill in all the blanks from first to last. I can’t believe I had to pray before I came up with an answer I myself could find credible and in the pool of words I was given, I had extreme difficulty finding a word that could define me.

Maybe there is no one word. Maybe how I define myself is not exactly who I am in reality. There is a danger that if I write one page about who I think I am, I would only be writing about who I want to be which is oftentimes the case. Oh well, writing about who I am is not an easy task as I now know especially when I’m not really that sure of the answer. But then, if I don’t know the answer, who does?

Who am I? Is it really necessary to have an answer to that question now? At 26, am I expected to at least have an idea as to what my definite role in the society is and how people must know me? Do I need to know who I am to live my life accordingly, to know my purpose, to know my worth? Or do I just live my life and deal with its challenges the best way I know how with the person I become to be the answer to the question? Do I have to wait until I’m in my deathbed, to have a flashback of memories and watch myself like I’m somebody else so I can finally give an objective answer?

It’s silly that I’m asking too many questions to answer THE question at hand like it’s going to make it simpler for me. What is so complicated about the question anyway? Then I realized that it is not the question but the answer that’s making it so damn difficult to spit out. I know who I am. I’m just scared to be wrong because if I am, then how can I ever trust myself to find the answer again? NOBODY can give a more accurate answer. NOBODY can ever be capable of helping me out when I have proven for myself that NOBODY can be sure of who he really is.

I therefore conclude that the safest and most unworthy-of-the-suspenseful-waiting answer to this question is: I AM ME.
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